Spam email #1: Iraq money

I get countless amounts of spam emails when I’m at work and the majority of them make me laugh. Some of them I like to reply to and I know that this opens me up to more spam email but you can’t put a price on entertaining yourself these days. I think I’ll post up some of my spam emails and replies (if I send one), you know, for a laugh. Here goes today’s brilliant spam…

Dear Friend,

What a bad start. I’m clearly not your friend as you haven’t emailed me directly and I have no idea who you are. The fact that the email was sent to ‘undisclosed recipients’ leads me to believe you might be a bit of an email slut. But then I suppose calling me friend leads me to think it’s endearing and like you more. Shame you didn’t know I’m a bitter, bitter man.

As you very well know, Iraq is gradually undergoing a rebuilding process in some parts and there is much need for reconstruction. I am Freeman Veilleux from the hospitality state (Mississippi), an army contractor attached to the US Military force for the sole purpose of Reconstruction works in some parts of Iraq. I evaluate the level of destruction and offer professional advice inline with the way they intend rebuilding. With no doubt, work has been risky and challenging as we sometimes collide head on with armed insurgents and loose some soldiers during confrontation.

Not the worst intro in the world. I now know what he does for a living, apparently, and where he works. So if I want to pop in on my way home from work I can ask around for Freeman Veilleux. There’s a typo. You’ve noticed it, I’ve noticed it, but in the environment he works in I’ll let it slide.

On the early hours of 4th September 2011 I lost a friend whom I had known for 12years during one of these confrontations.

Now, this is a bit of a one liner. He threw this in that his friend died and then doesn’t mention him again. Doesn’t sound like a grieving friend to me especially with what he’s going to ask later on. Again, I won’t hold it against him as grief is dealt with in different ways by different people. It’s already a pretty heartfelt story so I read on hoping to help out in any way that I can.

It was a very sad day but at about 1100hrs during a normal inspection routine along Haifa Street, built and occupied by the late Saddam Hussein while he was still alive and one of the hide outs of the Al Qaeda and Ayman al-Zawahiri forces. I, along side with 2 soldiers proceeded to a marked site and as I commenced evaluation under close guard by the 2 soldiers, I discovered an unusual bulge in a cellar, which I presumedto be storage room and as I proceeded to have a closer look at it, I kicked a metal covering and found several metal boxes (6 in number) Piled on top each other and locked with a padlock.

WOW! It’s turning into an action movie! Back when Saddam Hussein was alive these guys found ‘an unusual bulge’ in a cellar. It had a metal covering so he kicked it off! He kicked it off!! Surely back when they found it, and now, IEDs are going to be top of the list of what it could be so the safest thing he could do would be to kick it right? Oh and by the way ‘Freeman’, Saddam died in 2006. If you found what you found in 2006 and still haven’t managed to find someone to help you out, then I suggest trying to smuggle it back yourself.

On forcing the boxes open, (not the best idea) we discovered several armored weapons including bullets. One of the boxes was filled with hard drugs (heroine) (a female hero? Impressive) and two to my amazement was filled with money. On discovery of this money, I and the soldiers for hours counted bundles! of the currencies which amounted

I didn’t delete anything here. He actually sent an email with no amount on it. Maybe he’s still counting it 5 years on so we’ll not know how much there is until he finished. More importantly, if he and the soldiers stayed there for HOURS counting this money then how has no one noticed?! Soldiers normally have a commanding officer that is in charge of them. I’m sure if they were missing for hours then someone might kick up a fuss. And here’s the beauty…

Why I am explaining all our findings to you is to seek for your assistance and immense contribution to the actualization of our dream of getting these funds out from here. We are in desperate need of a reliable and trustworthy person who will receive, secure and protect these boxes containing the money for us until our assignment ends here. Since Iraq is getting unsafe and more dangerous everyday especially upon the departure of large number of US Military troop, however, as contractors we are still here, but we cannot afford to leave these boxes here in Iraq for any reason and knowing fully well that these were funds used in sponsoring terrorist attacks on our innocent humans. We have no idea what could happen next. This is a true story of what we came across here in Iraq. I intend to include some pictures I took here and my ID’s issued by the US army and government for you to know better who you are dealing with but I will include that in my next email to you. I assure and promise to give you 25% of this fund before sharing with the other 2 soldiers when we leave this place. Please assure me of your keeping this top most secret so that my job would not be jeopardized.

My Sincere Regards,
Freeman Veilleux.

Ahhhhh, ok, you wanted me to help you get the money out of Iraq. At least this email paints out a picture of the American troops being responsible out there and not helping contractors smuggle out money! My reply to him? Well…

Thank you so much for emailing me. I’m glad that you saw me as a trustworthy person enough to help you with this project. I am grateful for your assistance to the Iraq people and the American folk out there through your construction work. I must point out though that you were quite irresponsible when you found that ‘unusual bulge’ and kicked the cover off. I’m sure you’ve been told that the presence of IEDs in Iraq is a huge problem but, thankfully, you’re still alive and able to feed me with mountains of cash. I assume they are mountains as I can only understand from your email that you’re still counting it! With no amount written down you must still be counting so as a show of good faith, I shall catch the next EasyJet flight out to Iraq and help you count. In fact, I might even help you with your construction. I’m a dab hand at shovelling cement. It’s the least I can do for 25% of no amount of money!
I’ll definitely keep this a secret so you don’t lose you job. I’m sure that construction is a very specialised area of employment so you’ll need to hold on to whatever job is out there. I’m sure it’s bloody hard to get a job with your experience so I’ll do nothing to ‘jeopardize’ this.
I hope this email finds you well. If you’re able to give me your address and contact number, I’ll buy my flight as soon as possible. A little faith money wouldn’t go astray either. You know, just so I can pay for my flight out there and help you count the cash!
Let me know your bank details and I’ll charge the flight to your account and meet you at Iraq International Airport (I guess that’s what it’s called).
Thanks Freeman,
And God Bless.


Posted on December 6, 2011, in Blog and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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